Every moment of every day has an impact on your life. Most moments are mundane, seemingly insignificant and likely forgotten. Many form a memory yet only come to mind when triggered. Others are etched into your brain forever. Some are catastrophic, some life altering, some minor, and some still seemingly insignificant and confusing yet always there.
Each moment plays its part in shaping you, forming you into the person you are today. And while you can't control everything, you do have some control over how you react and respond to the moments life throws your way. Everyone handles things differently, but we each have a choice. It's ultimately up to you to embrace what lies before you and choose if and how its going impact who you are.
I didn't choose all the aspects of this life before me, things happened and I embraced the moments and continue to embrace moments as they come. It's nothing spectacular, it's not noble, it's not awe inspiring.
I'm a mom. Just like every other mom. And I try my best to be the mom my children need me to be. Sometimes I rock it, many times I fall flat on my face.
Sure, I am a special needs mom. It's a label I fought but it's descriptive and accurate. There are special and additional aspects of my life that many don't understand. But there are countless women across America and all over this world doing what I do...and far more than I do, some in far worse conditions with far less support and/or no medical care available. And some of these women DID choose the special needs life by giving a child a home when a mom couldn't embrace it. Many, if not most of these woman are far more awe inspiring than myself.
Needless to say, I don't like being pedestal-ed. Yes, I verb-ed it. (Just like Pastor Beau for all of those at East Side yesterday). I know what people mean. I know they mean well when they say all the cliche phrases, but sometimes those phrases are triggers for me.
You don't know how I do it? you couldn't do it? I assure you. You would and could if the moment presented itself. But yet...
All I do is love my children well, to the best of my ability in every given moment.
So, if you love (or have ever loved) a child you are doing exactly what I am doing. Maybe you aren't a mom, maybe you're a dad, grandparent, aunt/uncle, cousin, teacher, neighbor, or friend. Maybe you don't go to doctor appointments, maybe you don't know how to use a feeding tube, maybe you don't have a mini pharmacy in your house, maybe you haven't spent countless wakeful nights in the hospital, maybe your dining room isn't lined with medical equipment, maybe you've never spent hours on the phone with insurance. Maybe your daily life looks completely different. All of our home lives do.
But when you love, you love well. No matter what.
And to hear "I don't know how you do it?" sometimes makes me feel like people are saying she isn't worth loving well. And I KNOW, I know that is NOT what anyone means. I know you see the love and therefore imagine the heartache and think "I don't know how she does it? I couldn't."
Well some days I can't. Some days I don't. Some days I am a mess. Some days I am far from the mom they need me to be, but I'm the mom they have and because I'm their mom, I fall apart. Motherhood is hard. Motherhood hurts. Loving is hard. Loving hurts.
I don't share all this to minimize the special needs life for ourselves or anyone. Life is not easy and it has it's challenges, many of which are daily. But we love well and continue on as required.
My day to day life is far from what I imagined as a little girl playing house. And I am sure many a special needs mom would agree, there are normal moments of any given day, that I never would have imagined, let alone consider "normal." But 'tis the life.
And truth be told I don't know any other life. And neither do my children. This special needs life is deeply imprinted on us all. I may have never played house this way as a child, but Everly does. I've watched her tube feed her baby. I watched her mimic therapy with her dolls. I've watched her sit and hold her doll how I hold Linleigh. And this weekend a conversation really hit my mommy heart.
"mommy, my baby having surgery." "she is?"
"yes, her having lots of surgery and be in hospital a long time."
"oh, I hope she is going to be okay."
"her's be okay, like sissy."
A bitter-sweet reminder, that all these moments aren't just my moments. They are OUR moments. Not only are my children experiencing these moments for themselves they are watching me in these moments too. From the mundane to the larger life altering moments and everything in between, my children are always watching and picking up so much from, because of and/or in spite of me. I know my children have witnessed me at far less than my best, but all I can do is try harder and do better. And hope and pray that they are absorbing all the good and learning from my mistakes. I pray I am continually modeling all I want them to be. I pray they love well, acknowledge when times are hard, fall apart when they need to, but pick themselves back up and continue on as required.
So bitter-sweet as it maybe that Everly's baby is having surgery like sissy, I choose to focus on the sweetness. I get to witness Brody and Everly love on, care for, and include Linleigh despite her differences on a daily basis, which leaves me encouraged with my mommy heart full. The special needs life may be imprinted on us, but it's imprinted on our hearts and that's quite alright with me.
And I hope sharing my journey helps others love well, abundantly well.
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